There are things that sound romantic until you really think about them.

Long walks on the beach: Ever see those training videos of soldiers running with heavy rucksacks down a beach? That’s because just walking on sand is unpleasant.

Horseback rides: Horses smell terrible and your legs and butt will not thank you for this adventure. Also they’re very dusty creatures.

Candlelight dinners: I like seeing my food, and a dim room makes it harder to tell if what I’m about to eat will give me a horrible stomach ache or not.

A romantic massage: I’m not married to a masseuse, and when I do visit one, they tend to dig into painful parts of my body and make my spine sound like bubble wrap. This does not inspire romantic feelings.

Picnics: Ants.

Holding hands: Germs.

Kissing: Halitosis.

Chocolate: Diabetes.

Roses: Thorns.

Rose petals covering anything: You just destroyed a flower for a mood? Mother nature was fully prepared to do that for you if you’d just wait for the blossom to rot naturally.

Bringing it back to sand, sex on the beach: Sandpaper buttcrack, jagged rocks, and leering shellfish…I want none of this while enjoying an intimate moment.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

Unloved: Heartbreak